Morning Spider

Spiders and I are not friends. I have few phobias and Spiders are often the main villain in my recurrent nightmares. The most terrifying being when I wake up and for a split second I cannot tell what is real and what is not. Once I googled if there was a meaning to such nightmares and truly if you are scared of spiders I don’t recommend it.

So spiders and I have an unilateral understanding, if they are small enough by some very arbitrary decision I once made when I was 8, the spiders and I may co-exist. I can ignore them and let them be. However above a certain size, a shift in the narrative occurs and the house becomes too small for them and I to coexist, this is a :

“This town ain’t big enough for the both of us”.

situation and drastic measures have to be taken.

Scenario 1 : My partner in crime is at home. He who describes arachnids as noble creatures that deserve to be dealt with the utmost care, deals with them. The spider is gently set on a sheet of paper and is tossed invited to leave the premises.

Scenario 2: If I am by myself, well… I am not proud but the situation is dealt with by any means necessary.

A couple of mornings ago while preparing coffee, one strolled by the window and fine it was small enough and harmless that I simply acknowledged its presence and resume my almost sacred ritual in silence. While grabbing the cups I realised that the little witch didn’t just walk by, it had implanted a thought in my head. The bloody image hatched and grew and would not leave me until I took a few minutes to write down the realisation.

Though I am a short woman I am by any measure order of magnitudes bigger than a spider, I know this to be true, yet above a certain size I can’t tolerate them. It’s a very puzzling combination of irrational and arbitrary, a nasty messy cocktail.

Once I saw it I could not un-see it. How often in my own life was I someone else’s spider? How often I felt crushed because I was not small enough, how often was I put back in my place or shut down because I took too much space? Yet how often was I lifted and cherished, valued and treated like a noble even if imperfect being? I suppose that with time my inner spider didn’t stop growing to fit the mind of people plagued with insecurities, but perhaps she simply became better at navigating her surroundings and choosing her tribe?

I suppose I have to thank my morning spider for this realisation: If given a chance surround yourself by people who treat you with dignity, respect or to quote André de Shields :

“Surround yourself with people who light up when they see you”

This is extra true if you live or aspire to live by feminist values.